Right is the New Left
Are the conservatives the new revolutionaries?
by Andy Alcala, illustration by Shaun Doniger

On April 15, 2009, thousands of Americans came together to protest what they saw as an unfair policy put into practice by the United States government. Many voiced concerns about their children being forced to pay for this large government initiative that cost billions of dollars. Many of these protestors accused the president of being a fascist and drove this point home with a picture of his head on the body of Hitler’s, among other caricatures.

Sound familiar? Replace the date above with “March 2003,” replace “stimulus package” with “Iraq War,” and, of course, replace Barack Obama with George W. Bush. Most shockingly, replace “liberals” with “conservatives” and you get the picture.

I’m not upset that these people came out to protest. After all, what’s the point of a democracy when the opposing point of view can’t express their opinion? What I do think is unfair, however, is the fact that the most prominent conservative news organization in the U.S. today, Fox News, is giving these “Tea Baggers” (heh heh) a free pass when they gave so much shit to people who opposed Bush.

Now, to be fair, I’m basing this upon watching the April 17 broadcasts of the “O’Reilly Factor,” and “Hannity.” Now, let me make two things clear: 1) I am not a normal viewer of these shows; I merely wanted to see if these two programs would be “Fair and Balanced” with their treatment of the protestors. 2) I did not watch all of these broadcasts because I’m trying to watch my blood pressure, and I had to flip back and forth between channels.

Of course, this was two days after these anti-tax protests, and both Bill and Sean were still gushing over them like they were the real Boston Tea Party. I got bored with O’Reilly because he merely talked about how Fox News had better ratings than CNN, so I’ll focus on Hannity.

Ah, Hannity. For eight years he bitched about how protestors against Bush were in league with the terrorists. Surely he would find something snide to say about the protests? After all, tax money goes to many important things, like health care for our troops.

You weren’t thinking that I was serious, right?

The first 10 minutes were devoted to gushing about how wonderful it was that “ordinary Americans” came out in thousands to let their voices be heard. The second 10 minutes were devoted to bitching about what the talking heads on the left (Paul Begala, Jeaneane Garafalo) had to say about the protests. Then he had two conservative hot chicks come on and talk about how “gross” it is that the “left” labeled these people “Tea Baggers.” Hmmm… Two hot chicks talking about tea bagging? Now I see why this is the highest rated news channel!

In all seriousness, though, I find it strange how things can shift in just a few months when a new ideology dominates in the U.S. During the G.W. Bush years, prominent voices on the right like Ann Coulter would be quick to demonize liberals for questioning the personal freedoms that the U.S. Patriot Act impugned upon. Now, without Obama even opening his mouth on the subject, gun sales are spiking and gun owners are feeling demonized.

Remember all the uproars about the illegal investigations that the Department of Homeland Security did during Bush? Well, another thing that Hannity was bitching about was the fact that the D.H.S. is now investigating “right-wing extremists,” including members of the armed forces.

It’s not just the talking heads that are reversing roles. Look at all the Republican governors that are rejecting the stimulus money, including Sarah Palin up in Alaska who turned down millions for her state’s education system. Even Palin herself said in a recent speech that it was important to speak up against things you don’t believe in. I think of a video I saw on YouTube where she berates a heckler who was against the Iraq War during her campaign for the Vice Presidency.

So what the hell is up with these blatant double standards? What do people want? Imagine if the U.S. Patriot Act was founded under a Gore presidency. Would we see Hannity telling his viewers that it was a scheme for the left to get rid of their enemies? Of course we would, because in this great country, words can, and will, be twisted by pundits on both sides. When it comes down to it, the other side is never happy to be the minority. Such a simple theory, but one that is always interesting to see in practice.

The problem is that there is a great imbalance of prominent right-wing media personalities vs. left, and they all possess a great gift of ALWAYS acting like they are the minority. When Republicans controlled the Presidency, the House, and the Senate, all opposition was deemed to come from the “Hollywood elitists.” Now that all three are controlled by the Demos - well, enough said. Fox News is now the voice of the underground, millionaires will be training private armies and Mormons will be practicing guerilla warfare. Rush Limbaugh is the new Huey Newton, only much paler and out of shape.

Maybe both sides need to see the terrible truth of reality. Remember all the protests our parents went to? Shit, they got to throw rocks at shit-kicking cops! There will never be a massive uprising of that scale because Americans in 2009 are too fucking lazy. Instead of hurling rocks at cops, people hurl insults at each other in dark chat rooms on the internet. Practitioners of the Second Amendment sit at home eating pork rinds hoping that somebody will dare to trespass on their land. To put it bluntly: neither side will ever muster a revolution because we’re all fucking fat and lazy.

Believe me, even a “liberal elitist” like me saw the flaws in my own side during the Bush years. When the Democrats overwhelmingly supported the war in Iraq, the feeling of hopelessness overwhelmed the sense of purpose. All the meetings I went to consisted of people twice my age bitching about Bush. All well and good, but what would we do about it? Encourage mass walk-offs in factories and schools? Encourage people to hoard metal so as to slow down the war due to decreased resources? Nope, 10 people in a dark room could not think of one thing to do.

So, when you hear either side preach about “revolution,” don’t be worried. Americans are too selfish to put their careers and kids on the line to truly take to the streets. They would rather fight their kid’s umpire at a little league game then march through a barrage of tear gas and batons. A lot of conservatives in their twenties will never fight against the left because they know that their complete ideology discourages drug use and forbids sex before marriage.

So keep on tea-bagging America. Political expression is important. Just remember that I supported you next time I become the radical out in the cold.