Pick-Up Lines: The New Artform
Columnist shares his expertise in the art of courtship.
by Declan Desmond, photo by Shaun Doniger

You see, I have discovered a great secret. You guys out there have been wasting your time "coming on" to women (no, I mean, no no. I meant, in a bar, you know, "hitting" on them...wait, no no...), with silly lines like:

"You must be tired because you've been running through my head all day."

Yeah, cute, but has it ever worked? Okay, has it ever worked in the United States? No, I didn't think so. But don't despair, young friend. Unless you're the sort of guy who can't even get girls when they're drunk off their asses, I can help you.

Don't tell anyone this, but the trick is to make them think you're not hitting on them. I know, I know, it sounds crazy (so did Albert Einstein when he said that E equals MC squared, and where would we be without that?), but hear me out. It's a tricky gambit, but it's also an effective psychological ploy designed to make the girl think you're not really into her...but at the same time sort of are in a weird way. I know, it doesn't make any sense. Just observe a few examples and you'll see what I mean:

"Hi, how's it going?"

This one knocks them DEAD. The key to this one is you're supposed to walk away right after you say it. Isn't that a kick? Just keep walking. It's totally confusing, and when the girl wonders, "why didn't he stick around long enough to hear my answer?" she's going to have no choice but to come back and talk to you! BAM! Instant conversation, unless she has the wherewithal to figure out that it was a rhetorical question, then you might be in trouble. Barring that, this one is a sure-fire can't miss.

"Excuse me, what time is it?"

Once again, a curveball she's not going to be ready for. With a simple, innocent little question, you've backed her into a corner (metaphorically); she has to talk to you now! Also, girls are into guys who are concerned about time – it implies that the inquirer (you) is punctual and has somewhere to be, and girls love punctual, on-the-move guys, right? On a bit of a side note, it helps to take your watch off your wrist before using this one –you could blow the whole operation if the girl spots it. Also, be prepared for follow-up questions. (You’re on your own there, junior)

"I see you're drinking peach schnapps in a chilled glass. I'm sorry to interrupt, but that just reminds me of the wonderful peach cobbler I love oh-so-much, available at all participating Marie Callender's locations."

Easily, the most daring and brazen of the bunch (you must memorize and recite it exactly, otherwise it will not work). This line can make or break your entire night, but it is guaranteed to arouse interest in your "target." You get 100 points if she turns to you and says, "really? Your description is so passionate, and you have piqued my hunger. Would you care to accompany me to any one of these fine establishments?" Granted, that's a bit of a long shot, I know, but once again, she will be forced to respond. Let's face it, that's a pretty interesting line – a real conversation starter! While not a bold proclamation nor a question, using this line will effectively throw the ball in her court. This is recommended only for the skilled and experienced user of the Declan Pick-Up Line system. Of course, it might help if she's actually drinking peach schnapps, but I tend not to bother myself with the little details in life.

Yes, I admit, my "system" is risky, and challenges everything you know about how to pick up women, but as soon as I go out there and try it, I'll prove to you guys that I was right.

Wish me luck!